"A Bit Off the Top, Sir?"
(with grovelling apologies to Lionel Bart)

[In Yiddish, the mohel (pr moyl) is the man who performs the surgery at a bris for an eight-day-old Jewish boy. As to the tune for this, I'm sure you know it. BXO stands for balanitis xerotica obliterans (formerly known as lichen sclerosus) and I don't recommend you look it up.]



My Grandad was Jewish, wasn't he?
Snipped when quite newish, traditionally.
I was glad that he married out and saved me from that fate
Now it seems what must be has to be, even if it's quite late
I'm reviewing my decision
I have something that the doc calls BXO
He recommends a circumcision
And all in all I guess that he should know
The guy has been to college, he
Has studied his urology,
He's making no apology,
But drawing on his knowledge he
Desires to take a knife to me
And then lop off a slice of me
...I think I'd better think it out again!

At my time of life who cares
If something looks odd downstairs?
I just wanted to quash any
'life-threatening' misgiving
And anyway sheesh
you call this living?
I'm reviewing my decision
It's hardly the unkindest cut of all
Sure it's only a quick incision
It's not as if they want to have a ball
There's been a spot of whitening
And some preputial tightening.
A threat that's rather sickening
Of dire urethral thickening
To cut it short they're hurrying
That prospect's rather worrying
...I think I'd better think it out again!

So should I get this snip anyway?
Does the mohel get a tip? So they say.
It's not like the wee chap has ever
been much in demand
But do I now have to learn new techniques
when I take him in hand?
I'm reviewing my decision
It seems so late in life to get a bris
But what about solo coition?
Is a foreskin something I am going to miss?
Be he a Muslim, Goy or Jew
A man does what he has to do
But how to do it I've no clue
When there's no sleeve to pull me through
I guess one has to lubricate
If one intends to masturb oy, oy, oy!
...I think I'd better think it out again!

But how will it be when I'm seventy?
It's not far off for me now seventy
When you're old and it's cold
And there's no one to share your bed
With or without that jumper
You might as well be dead
I'm reviewing my decision
I suppose I have to face up to the facts
I only use it for micturition
And no one wants to handle it but quacks
I never used to get enough
"But if you get 'em wet enough
The passage needn't be so rough"
But who is gonna buy this guff?
I'm just too old for all this stuff
I can't take any more rebuff
I'll never see another chuff
My sex life's long been off the cuff

...I think I'd better think it out again!

Oy vey!

Video may soon be available ... no, not graphic! Just me doing a terrible Ron Moody impression.

(February 2018)