Philosophy Museum in Cash Crisis

Some talk of Aristotle, of Kant and Socrates
Of Bergson and Spinoza and such great names as these

Oh, do not ask 'where is it?' of a place what don't exist:
The Museum of Philosophy is far too eas'ly missed.
The Government won't fund 'em and they've gone into arrears
So they're forced to raise the dosh they need by selling off ideas.

They've closed the Marx and Engels wing politic'ly unsound
And thrown out moralistic thoughts that no one wants around.
Truth and Beauty, in the Forms Room, they're fighting hard to save
See the Socrates Experience from a large glass-fibre Cave.

Then go out, past Good and Evil, to the Friedrich Nietsche wing
(Ignore them nihilists who tell you it don't mean a thing).
The Berkely Room's kept Locked unless somebody wants to see it
And Hobbes and Hume don't have a room: there's nowt it's like to be it.

The Larkin room is popular, there's a video display,
Where kids can press a switch and have their parents blown away.
The Deconstruction Annexe pulls the punters in all right
But it costs so much to pay the staff to clean up ev'ry night.

The Theology curator prays for guidance from above
And the New Age people still believe that all you need is love
("The Oriental Rooms were such a hit in sixty eight
We're sure they'll get another life, we only have to wait")

Existentialism's doomed and there's no place for Solipsists
Who believe that just one punter (who may not be them) exists.
The realists and pragmatists accept that there's no cure
When your critics are a load of Kants whose reason's far from pure

In the nineties non-society we have no place for thought:
Blimey, even Roger Scruton's being hunted down for sport
(And it was his consultancy which started all this rot
With its pioneering slogan They don't think, therefore they're not)

And they'll respond, if you ask why admission is so dear,
"Though we agree that man's born free, it costs to come in 'ere"
And very soon the day will come when none of us can tell
The thinkers from the wankers or the heavenly from Hell

Some talk of Aristotle, of Kant and Socrates
But all the thoughts they left us are now mere commodities