Jackerpotty
[Apologies to Lewis Carroll]

'Twas Brizzle, and the Isambard
Did shipsteam in the stovepipe hat
Suspendy was the Cliffyroad —
And other shit like that

“Appear on Tipping Point, my son!
You Mastermind, Countdown the weeks
All Pointless is Fifteen to One
And Eggheads is for geeks”

The buzzy mushroom thrice he pressed
He played his counters, one, two, three
One rival had a jammydrop
One left in poverty

Too soon he passed the Indyband
But still he answered quizzlies four
Another victim fell too short
And now he had the higher score

He dealt with subjects far and wide
He knew of mixed up flutterbies
His dodgeball foe was brushed aside
And left without a prize

Excitedly, he stood alone
He gibbered like a nervous goon
He hardly let the Shephard speak
He answered questions far too soon

Although impaled on ozzygroups
He answered all the others well
He counted labourleaders till
The jackerpotty fell

“And hast thou found thy tipping point?
Come to my arms, you daft old ponce”,
His sister yawned in apathy,
“Don’t spend it all at once”

'Twas Brizzle, and the Isambard
Did shipsteam in the stovepipe hat
Suspendy was the Cliffyroad —
And other shit like that


(May 2018, after filming ITV's Tipping Point in Bristol)